How I got catfished: A corporate story

Wow! I can’t believe it. A consulting group wants me. They know I am transitioning my career. They are willing to take me on and train me with the experience I so desperately desire.

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Gif courtesy of blueiskewl.blogspot.com

RED FLAG #1.

If you are currently (or have ever) transitioned into a new career, you can relate.
All transferable skill and no experience = job hunting with a pair of bolt cutters.
It seems every road is closed. It takes strong character to cut the bullshit.

road closed signage
Photo by Travis Saylor on Pexels.com

Well, guess who did not listen to their intuition?

But this time it was different. (pleading)

Yes, it has happened more than once. Shame on me!

I am leaving at the perfect time based on my Waze app, still giving myself a 30 minute window for parking and navigating downtown. Ok, first of all the fact that I actually think it through this fucking detailed is a blessing and a curse. For example, I stayed up late researching the company, writing the notes for my elevator pitch, and grooming my circus side-show appearance as the bearded lady…. and my head hit the pillow around 5 am.

Then, I stare at the clock on my phone for another hour and half checking periodically that I set the alarm for the right time…who does that shit?

I close my eyes and drift off…

WAKE UP!

Getting ready, I decided to hold off on the coffee knowing I would be walking a few blocks, or in circles more likely.

Caffeine + nerves + aimlessly walking around trying to follow that Google trail of dots = a hot mess

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Gif courtesy of giphy.com

Google maps rant: Is there anyone else that has a mental breakdown when you can’t figure out which direction you are walking, and you keep hitting Re-center as if it’s magically going to make sense. Seriously?! I digress…

OK, I found the building with a couple of minutes to spare, I press the 14th floor. And in the next few minutes I knew I had been catfished. It went like this:

Young man steps into elevator and says ” 4 please”

Me: pressing button “Sure”

Him: “1402 is on 4, right?”

Me: “No, that would be on the 14th Floor.” Thought bubble overhead reads…did that just come out of his mouth?!

Him: (Blank stare, I already pressed the button)

We had a brief discussion and found out we were going to the same place for an interview at the same time.

My thought bubble overhead looks a little like this…
RED FLAG #2.

red flags
Gif courtesy if giphy.com

We proceed to ride in silence together and when we walk out of the elevator, I introduce myself in a last-ditch effort to be memorable. You never know in business (tip for networking). We walk together down the hallway to the door and open it to the typical corporate catfish scene.

The pool table staged in the middle of the waiting room was there to say “Hey, we’re hip and fun!” And the electronic music blaring was almost an insult to anyone trying to think.

The walls are clear glass so everyone can see who you are. The girl at the receptionist table looks up and says “Which company are you here for?” Now, it was at this moment that her eyes rolled so far in the back of her head that I thought she might have given herself whiplash. I even remember looking at the men behind the glass and making a silly facial expression like “YIKES.” Just trying to keep it light.

Said whiplash victim proceeds to hand my new friend Louis and I clipboards of information to fill out. Ironically we were there for two different companies.

I sit on the tiny-legged couch which resembles the stature of a Corgi, and start scribbling.

The receptionist dressed in all black with heavily worn makeup (like worn last night), stomps her heeled boots into the middle of glass offices. One man sits behind a desk dressed casual, and the other is standing in a suit talking very loud. The sports small talk turned silent as the Devil Wears Prada look-a-like closes the door. With their backs to me I can see them discussing (whispering). 30 seconds later, which actually felt like an eternity. She comes out of the room, closes the door behind her.

Secret stuff going on in the glass office (enter sarcasm).

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Gif courtesy of weheartit.com

The girl calls me into the office next door and proceeds to explain why I am there, what they will do, and what they will expect from me… in less than 3 minutes. I mean this girl was ready for the auction house. I heard every 10th word and tried to keep up until she said, “So do you want to do it?”

Thought bubble overhead reads…WTF???

I decided to recap what I just heard…I take that back. I don’t even know what the hell I heard other than a pyramid scheme. That was the only thing I knew for sure.
RED FLAG #3.

“Thank you very much, it’s time for me to go.” As I walked out, Louis was still sitting awkwardly on the fancy looking modern couch with his knees practically touching his ears. I said goodbye and good luck.

Lesson: Don’t let anyone baffle you with bullshit! If you see a red flag don’t ignore it. Be ready to move on and try not make that same mistake again.

Like a catfish, you are hungry and they are always willing to put their hands in your mouth acting like they are going to feed you. If you decide to bite, be ready to let go quick…don’t get catfished!

-ap

“No one is listening until you fart.”

We need to talk because I can’t stop laughing…I did it! I motivated myself to dust off the yoga mat after 6 years and get my life together.
First of all, I didn’t choose a difficult type of class, and thought “No problem, I can modify, I’m experienced.” Oh yeah, and to make matters worse I dragged my mom to come along for her first time.

It went sort of like this:

1 min in: We give a confident smile to one another thinking “Let’s do this.”
10 minutes in: She and I look at each other in disbelief, “Wow, this is difficult.”
15 minutes in: We look at each other again and add, “WTF!”
16 minutes in: We are both in child pose bowing our heads in shame, as the rest of class doesn’t whimper.
17 minutes in: We sit on the mats glancing at each other, drenched in sweat, giving the universal facial expression for “DYING!”

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gif courtesy of tenor.com

Just then, the teacher starts to walk around. We both start casually stretching our necks looking behind us, so we can avoid the teacher’s glance. We lay on our stomachs ready to melt into the floor with some corpse pose soon?! (fingers crossed).
30 minute in: We added in some floor work, not by choice, but we were already down there…why not?!
35 minutes in: We unanimously express that we both feel like barfing, and we lay with our foreheads on the mat until the teacher says get ready for the final savasana. (Here it comes, some desperately needed relaxation!!)
Now, at 36 minutes precisely, something magical happens.
A synchronicity of proportions occurred because just last night my husband added a wonderful thought to the universe that people tend to fart in yoga class, so stay classy if that happens.

blow boy child childhood
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Cue the release of intention into the universe as easily as blowing dandelion seeds into the wind…

36 minutes in: I roll over to get on my back and let it RIP (unintentionally, scouts honor!) I stare at the ceiling holding back the smile thinking how unfortunate the dude was in front me. I know it sounds crazy, and call it what you want, karma, intuition, synchronicity, de-ja-vu, signs, coincidence…but it happened.
It was at 45 minutes that it got real serious…my mom DOES THE SAME THING!
BIGGER!
We can barely roll up to sitting position, our hands come together giving thanks for today….(I shutter a high pitch squeal trying to mask my laughter).
I bring my hands to my heart…NAMASTE! (I squeal again, and this time I look behind me giving that old “please don’t look at me”, while I try to physically restrain myself from laughter with every muscle that still works). Breathe! This was for sure the most intense relaxation technique I have ever attempted, some real seriousness. It worked. Until the class was over….
47 minutes in: We acknowledge our immature behavior practically peeing our pants with laughter over the realty that we both did exactly what our most embarrassing fears would be….
In that moment, I was happy. In that moment, me and my mom shared a bond of powerful emotion, an exchange of respect, an understanding of humility, and an innocence that transcends any material gift. We made a connection.

Lesson: It’s the small things in life that are really big, so stop worrying about the big things because in the end they are so small.

NAMASTE

-ap